morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
