I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
