I just saw a hot homeless man
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
