It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
