why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
