Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
