Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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