And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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