Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
