Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
