He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
