So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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