I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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