Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ugly people sure do ruin things
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
