id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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