remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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