I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm going to jail i love you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
