you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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