John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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