I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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