Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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