last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
