I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am available for nakedness
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
