Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
