i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
