Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
