So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
