My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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