i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize