All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
