erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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