If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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