Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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