I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
