So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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