If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
