rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
