Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
