god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
