onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
