One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My penis needs a shock collar
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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