Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
