it wasn't lemon gatorade
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
