bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
