There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
