It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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