i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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