Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
