hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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