how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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