Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
