I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
