I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
