I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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