We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
