He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
