He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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