I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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