I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
