I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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