he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
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the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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