My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
as a side note pls kill me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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