"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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